Your eyes, a mirror of the moonlit sky
shot stars of doubt through the moonlit sky.
Thunder struck: your words, falling from split lies.
Enlightenment the moment; mosh pit sky.
Love, as drifting clouds through hard-hit cries,
passes freely. Can I catch a bit of sky?
I turned my head, you kissed my lips, a comet high
like fireworks exploded, half-lit sky.
Our rendezvous proved time can’t mend slit lines;
pierced, smoky promises the jet-writ sky.
*
Poetic inspiration~ dVersePoetics: FormForAll: On Ghazals and the Ghazal Sonnet w/ Semaphore
A work in progress… I know I didn’t include my name on the last couplet… I plan on adding to this.
This is quite nice, Laurie. You expressed a lot of different moods. I smiled a bit at the “mosh pit sky.” I think I would enjoy the “comet sky.”
ha…great job on the rhymes laurie…split lies…mosh pit sky, ha, i love those creative descriptions…your poem is full of them and various moods….see you are the great excuse breaker…if you can write after a root canal…anyone can…smiles.
Well done with the form and rhyming words, I like a bit of the moon-lit sky ~
Yes, many moods in this one…as if a couple having it out under the “mosh pit sky”…I loved that.
Though unfinished, it leaves a taste in one’s mouth, like a fleeting lusty kiss. Nice attempt, Laurie!
The jet-lit sky image is a nice one…with the speed of sound and light both…it struck me at different times.
With your inventive choice of rhyme-and-refrain combination, you definitely set yourself a challenge here – but even at this stage of development, you can already feel the intensity building into something very modern, and yet anchored to the classic. For the final verse, I should note that “Laurie” means “crown of laurels”, so it’s quite possible to add this to the final image set to bring the ghazal full circle.
I live the way this starts ….and ends…
Really nice Laurie. You say unfinished, but it’s still filled with excellent images. You know, I really love what this form can offer the poet. I feel as if it truly forces the beauty within the poet out upon the page. but the one part I don’t really care for is the part about putting one’s name in the last couplet, as I feel it can take away from the beauty of what had just been written. For that reason I tend to vary in that respect when I write my own Ghazals. Great read. Thanks
Vlever, Laurie, the gradation to ever more modern and the internal rhyme in addition to the refrain.
I really enjoyed that — can’t say I followed, but it felt like old lovers cross paths, taste the dangerous potential, remember the possibility and then move on. But I only read it once. Now the second read, I am no closer so I leave with this image. Nice phrasing!
so do like sky poems
You say this is unfinished – and I’ll accept that, although I’d be happy to have written this myself. The potential here is amazing.
Lovely.
Especially liked mosh-pit and jet-writ as rhymes. Nice one:-)
“Thunder struck: your words, falling from split lies” : powerful words. You capture many images. Nice work.
i had trouble with the name too, both times!. the sky is a good subject. so much to see, changeable.
Nicely done. I ducked that challenge!
Lovely inventiveness, wondrous mages!